After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel lig ht), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinian,)(and Fangio the famous racer was Argentinian.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Chief: 'The President?'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His driver is the Pope!
A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night, was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"
"Oh, hell," replied the drunkard. "I could have sworn this was the bus to Llanelli."
In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.
"Whose is that seat?" asked a man in the row behind.
"I got the ticket for my wife," said Dai. "But she died in an accident."
"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?"
"No," said the Dai, "I offered it to all of my friends."
"So why didn't they take it?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
While having an interview, an employer asked Geriant,
Employer: "how long did your last job last"?
Geriant: 30 years
Employer: How old are you?
Geriant: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked Geriant, how is this possible? How can you be 20 years old and you already have 30 years experience"?
Geriant: I worked overtime.
A young man travelled to Lagos from the north for the first time. He had been warned by his father to be careful as there were many con men in Lagos. He assured his family that he was too smart to be a victim. When he got to Ojota motor park, he was approached by two motor park touts who had been watching as he disembarked from the car.
Motor Park Tout - Hey, we noticed you have been looking at those buildings. Where is your receipt? You have to pay to look at these buildings.
Smart traveller - Sorry I didn't know. How much?
Motor Park Tout - 1000 Naira for a building. How many have you looked at?
Smart traveller - Just 9. Here's 9000 Naira.
The touts took the money and gave the man a fake receipt.
Onlookers approached the traveller to commiserate making him know he had just been scammed by notorious park touts. Instead the traveller burst out laughing. What's so funny asked an onlooker, considering you just been scammed. The traveller replied I told them I looked at 9 buildings when I indeed looked at 10. Who scammed who he replied ?
A tourist sauntered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and said: "what's the quickest way to get to Brecon from here?
Rhodri the landlord answered: "Are you walking or going by car?"
The tourist answered: "By car, of course."
Rhodri said: "Well, that's the quickest way."
A couple returned from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend took him aside and asked what's wrong. "Well," replied the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put N5,000 on the pillow without thinking". "LOL, I told you that your days of picking up ashawo would catch up with you. Anyway, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over
it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been celibate all these years". "That's not the problem, " the groom said. Then what is the problem?," asked his friend. The groom retorts, "She gave me N2,000 change!"
Dave was sitting next to a stunning blonde on a plane. Not long after the plane was in the air, the lady asked if Dave could remove something from her breast. Eyes popping out and not believing his ears, he enthused that it would be his pleasure and asked what she wants removed. She answered, your eyes you idiot? His jaw dropped.
Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.
"Very well, Mr Jones," says the pilot. "If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free."
So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it's a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end.
Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.
"Mr Jones, I've been doing this for 20 years and no-one's ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?"
"Aye," Jones replies. "When Berwyn fell out."
One day, a woman asked her son to call her husband to ask him what he wanted her to cook for dinner. After the sixth time the boy complained to his mother that a female voice was what he heard everytime he called and the lady would not let him speak to his dad. By the time the man got home that evening, his wife was fuming seriously.
She was so angry that she met him at his car and grabbed his shirt right there in the front yard.
"How dare you cheat on me?" she shouted, attracting the neighbors instantly. "How could you? After all we have been through?"
The confused man stared at her - he could not fathom why she was so mad at him. The neighbors tried to calm her down but she refused, and when someone asked for evidence, she recounted the phone call episode and called on Junior to repeat everything the lady on the phone said.
"The number you are calling is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later," Junior said.
A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream. He shouted over in Welsh: "Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!"
The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.
But still the man couldn't hear him.
Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning in Welsh. To which the man replied: "Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?"
"Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in."
A very successful Lagosian parked his new Lexus on a busy road in front of his office ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out of his car, a trailer passed too close and completely tore off the door. The man immediately grabbed his cell phone and called the police. The police arrived and before the officer could say anything the man was screaming hysterically, my Lexus!, my Lexus, it will never be the same again no matter what the panel-beater does to it. The officer just looked at the man in disgust and shook his head, I cant believe how materialistic you are, he said, you are so focused on your possessions that you do not notice anything else. How can you say such a thing asked the man. The officer answered, do you realise that your left arm is missing from your elbow down, it must have been torn off when the truck hit you. Oh my God the man screamed, MY ROLEX.
A mother came home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She grabs her phone and calls the ambulance and at this moment, she discovers the aunt in one of the bedroom awardrobes in the nude. She gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're raunning around scaring the kids!"
A driver trying to get to cardiff city centre stopped a young fella and asked for road directions. Hey mate, could youa please direct me to Queens street. Yeah, take the next left, when you get to the end of the road, turn right then you will get to a round about, take the third exit. You will get to the end of the road then turn left. Sorry where did you say you are going to?
A rich guy noticed a couple of sexy girls in the gym and asked his trainer which one of the machine he could use to create an impression. The trainer smiled and pointed outside the gym, the cash point.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first married a Greek girl and told her that she was to do the dishes and cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house.
The second man married a Thai girl and gave her the same orders, to do all the cleaning and cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but by the third his house was clean and dinner was on the table.
The third man married a Welsh girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed and dinner ready for 6pm.
For the first two days he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
A fit naked lady ran into a taxi cab and told the igbo taxi driver where she would like to go. The taxi driver did not start the car but he just starred at the naked lady.
The lady noticed and asked 'whats your problem, have you not seen a naked woman before? The taxi driver replied, 'Nne, na naked woman i never see before? I am not looking at your nakedness, i am just wondering where you kept the money you will pay me when you get to your destination.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is. I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia togetherl
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
A Judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
This Lagos sef don tire me. Jeje I was sitting in my car on a very long fuel queue from the Mobil in Maryland. This queue was almost getting to Anthony bus stop. It was one of those days where no fuel at all. Suddenly na him I see one guy run past my car with jerry can in one hand shouting "won ti bere oooooo"I quickly jumped out of my car opened my booth, got my jerry can and ran after him. He kept on running towards Maryland. When he got to the filling station he shouted again "won ti bere oooo" this in yoruba actually means they have started oooooo. He ran past the filling station and headed towards Sheraton hotel. Those that know this area will understand the distance. I tried to run faster to catch up and ask Kini won bere? Meaning "what have they started?" But this boy ran faster. I looked back and I saw like 6 people had joined us everybody with jerry can in one hand. We continued past Sheraton and headed towards Ikeja bus stop. When we got to Ikeja bus stop he shouted again won ti bere oooooo. ....and continued running we all continued too asking each other wetin happen but nobody seemed to know as we chased after him. Finally we got to oshodi isale and he shouted again by this time we were like 30 people running after him all of us with jerry can in one hand. He shouted again won ti bere oooooo!!!!!! He continued running towards iyana Isolo and finally after getting to iyana Isolo he stopped and we were all gasping for breath both men and women some with pot bellies, I moved close to him and asked Kini won bere? He answered Chelsea ati Arsenal ni, won ti bere match!! I fainted
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'',
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.